I have no life. I am slowly getting one but the key word is slowly haha. I am rapidly approaching my twelfth birthday and I already can predict that it wont be a all out party time. One I'm not huge on parties and two its in January and I know that i will probably smothering myself in school work so I can attend a real college with an apartment and not some bullshit watered down community college that moves at a snail's pace.
Depression a non dictionary version- The feeling of one's self losing their mind and feeling to connect with other humans and the world. Ta da! I am depressed. It isn't severe but it damn sure sucks. So what happens when you diagnose yourself depressed? Well since I am a over-thinker/ researcher I look up the signs of the depression and decide to visit an old teacher. I was late meeting her so I gave her a quick cliff notes version.
Transferred back home from the New Hampshire College of Hell and Boredem
- Moved back in with my parents. A huge reminder why I decided to go to a expensive college six states away and about 50 bucks in tolls driving up there.
- Applied to a *gag* community college and became what I feared, A CHS graduate who ends up going to community college because of money money instead of taking the diploma and running for the hills. (I ran just for a year)
- Went back to my old job at *throwing up* Mcdonalds. Been selling my soul there since I was 17.
- Started having more arguments with mom like it was my job. I realize the older I get the more I cant fucking stand her.
- I was trying to be forced back into regressing back to a teenager by my mother. I'm an adult in every country and every part of the world yet the one woman who actually created me cant see that. Now I understand Dr. Frankenstein.
- Associates I knew in high school i see around and even at the community college. I have seen these same people since I was in the 6th grade and yet I feel they havent changed but I have.
- Feeling like I am a visitor in my own body. Yes, my slightly slimmer body but still a visitor. In total since last year I lost about 11 pounds. I believe its cause it was mostly tears and a little vomit. Truth? Stress, not eating, wondering how long I can survive on just eggs and toast, and my newest friend Anxiety! Give it up for anxiety! We been buds since my senior year of high school. We even shared a very special moment with each other when I thought I was going to graduate because of one stupid paper.
- Having suicidal thoughts. What if I let go of the wheel of my car? If I take the last of these pills will I die slowly or really fast?
Those are just a bit of how I am feeling and what I am going through. I wonder if anyone ever noticed why even the most disgusting or vicious dictators or leaders had wives or mistresses? Or why they had many children? No its not because condoms are like the lollipops you get at the doctors offices where they are optional or simply because they wanted a beautiful woman around them.
It's because loneliness is the easiest and most silent killer in the world. Even fascist dictators wanted someone to be there with them while they were giving out orders and trying to rule a country. Because if they didn't have someone women or some child there would be unparalleled damage.
I am very lonely. Very very lonely. Yes, I have friends but not alot and the ones I do have are all far away, busy in school or busy losing their minds in their bullshit relationships to assholes because they dont want to be alone. That I will never be. Depressed,angry,disappointed in myself, loud, opinionated, but never an idiot girl in a bad relationship.
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