Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland a sweet little story about a girl who was different from most and hated order and the proper way of doing things. I remember reading this story at once when I was younger and watching the movie and I remember being jealous. Her wonderland was filled with interesting creatures and things while I didn't find my Wonderland until I truly discovered good music which wasnt until about 8th grade. American Idiot by one of the greatest rock bands ever, Green Day was released my 8th grade year and I fell hard for alternative/rock music. But American Idiot wasnt what I fell in love with it was Lifehouse's Hanging by a Moment.

Possible Penis

Here he is the guy interested in me.....in bullet points

• Joined Army right out of school. 
• 20 years. Drinks alcohol but not too much. Doesnt smoke. No diseases. No psycho ex-girlfriend
• No kids
• Non virgin
• Wears glasses-though never seen him wear them going off what he told me. 
• No Phobias
• Some hobbies-Have no clue what they are. 
• Passive-Aggressive. Very Annoying since I am an aggressive woman. 
• Face wise is ehh not that great. Since I know he played sports and have touched his body once or twice I know there is something good beneath though clothes. Never seen him naked though. 
• He is a reformed douche bag. He has grown into a man not the little......thing he was in high school.
• He helped me when I was in need.
• Pet names. Oh boy does he use them. 
• Slightly clingy.
• Tried to talk to me the summer we graduated. Literally two before I was about to go away to college he sent me a message on faceback telling me he likes me and thinks we would make a cute couple. Why not tell me this four months ago while we were in school? I have no clue. 
• Verbal-needs work. Talks to fast. Doesnt fully understand what he says.
• Sort of nerdy. I like nerdy dudes though. 
• Does have a sweet side but doesnt show it to often. 
• Patient to a point. Aggressive when need be. 
• Likes my lips. Likes my body. Threaten to not like me anymore if I went down to B's instead of staying with my D cup boobs.
• Kind eyes.
• Funny
• Knows how to give to a ego as small as mine.
• Doesnt listen very well but then hes a man. What man listens well?
• Smart. Driven. Determined. 
• Nice.
• Honest about what he has. 
• Likes to hear my voice. Likes to see me via webcam. 
• Comes home for a month then leaves until I have no clue when.
• Wants me to be honest with him in how I feel.

I told him that I feel depressed and he doesnt care. But I want him to know me and know what I am feeling. He is willing to overlook the depression of me. Why? Who would want to date someone who is depressed?

Cherry Pop Heard Around the World

I am (insert that feeling you get when you realize you dont have to go into work on a certain day). Yea, I'm feeling like that.

I have no life.  I am slowly getting one but the key word is slowly haha. I am rapidly approaching my twelfth birthday and I already can predict that it wont be a all out party time. One I'm not huge on parties and two its in January and I know that i will probably smothering myself in school work so I can attend a real college with an apartment and not some bullshit watered down community college that moves at a snail's pace.

Depression a non dictionary version- The feeling of one's self losing their mind and feeling to connect with other humans and the world. Ta da! I am depressed. It isn't severe but it damn sure sucks. So what happens when you diagnose yourself depressed? Well since I am a over-thinker/ researcher I look up the signs of the depression and decide to visit an old teacher. I was late meeting her so I gave her a quick cliff notes version.
        Transferred back home from the New Hampshire College of Hell and Boredem

•          Moved back in with my parents. A huge reminder why I decided to go to a expensive college six states away and about 50 bucks in tolls driving up there.
• Applied to a *gag* community college and became what I feared, A CHS graduate who ends up going to community college because of money money instead of taking the diploma and running for the hills. (I ran just for a year)
• Went back to my old job at *throwing up* Mcdonalds. Been selling my soul there since I was 17.
• Started having more arguments with mom like it was my job. I realize the older I get the more I cant fucking stand her. 
• I was trying to be forced back into regressing back to a teenager by my mother. I'm an adult in every country and every part of the world yet the one woman who actually created me cant see that. Now I understand Dr. Frankenstein.
• Associates I knew in high school i see around and even at the community college. I have seen these same people since I was in the 6th grade and yet I feel they havent changed but I have.
• Feeling like I am a visitor in my own body. Yes, my slightly slimmer body but still a visitor. In total since last year I lost about 11 pounds. I believe its cause it was mostly tears and a little vomit. Truth? Stress, not eating, wondering how long I can survive on just eggs and toast, and my newest friend Anxiety! Give it up for anxiety! We been buds since my senior year of high school. We even shared a very special moment with each other when I thought I was going to graduate because of one stupid paper. 
• Having suicidal thoughts. What if I let go of the wheel of my car? If I take the last of these pills will I die slowly or really fast?

Those are just a bit of how I am feeling and what I am going through. I wonder if anyone ever noticed why even the most disgusting or vicious dictators or leaders had wives or mistresses? Or why they had many children? No its not because condoms are like the lollipops you get at the doctors offices where they are optional or simply because they wanted a beautiful woman around them. 

It's because loneliness is the easiest and most silent killer in the world. Even fascist dictators wanted someone to be there with them while they were giving out orders and trying to rule a country. Because if they didn't have someone women or some child there would be unparalleled damage. 

I am very lonely. Very very lonely. Yes, I have friends but not alot and the ones I do have are all far away, busy in school or busy losing their minds in their bullshit relationships to assholes because they dont want to be alone. That I will never be. Depressed,angry,disappointed in myself, loud, opinionated, but never an idiot girl in a bad relationship.